Kingdom of...earth

There is so much more I want to learn and see in this life. How different did I think my life would be right now? More traveled? Definitely? Successful in career? Oh yeah. Why don't adults sit you down and tell you that life doesn't always turn out the way you plan? I guess they do, it's just that you don't think they mean your life. And when you realize how hard it all is, you look around and see people with the life you dreamed about. And you wonder, what did they do that I didn't? Did my rebellion really set me back that much? I see others more rebellious than I cruising the landscapes of Europe. And I want to scream what?!?!?! What was that turn I should have taken that I didn't? Is life really that wrapped up in money. I always thought that hard work would result in some sort of excursion to a far off place in my early twenties. It didn't. It hasn't. So...what is all this teaching me? What am I supposed to have gotten out of my life thus far? The things I am passionate about are not the things I am doing, besides writing, and so the story goes. The people that know me best do not think or say that I am contradicting myself. Yet I feel that way everyday. And so, what to do? I do not want to live an ordinary life. And no, the job I am doing would not be ordinary, would not result in ordinary, if I was passionate about it. So I am searching for that in. That x marking the spot. The niche. Me. I miss me. All my frustration stems from there. And all my desires stem from the way God made me.

Messy rooms equal messy people

Whew. Tough week. I am learning a lot but I feel strangely disconnected with my old self. And with God. All these desires I had, as I had feared, are quickly being clouded with the life issues I see everyday in front of me. And I talk to Him sometimes. But it is mostly hard to understand. I pick up a Bible and feel tired. Some things I cannot understand. Like why young, beautiful and smart kids might never have a chance because they are Hispanic and living in the U.S.

I know what you are thinking, if they work hard they can make it. But we, and the federal government, make it so hard. Too much to take in, only so little of my brain seems to be able to function these days. I know the God part isn't lost, but I am searching for some answers right now. I know He will find me, and I Him.

Hopefully soon.

"Worry about nothing. Pray about everything."

My mantra.

Lord, help me live it.

My first day of school (teaching!!!)

I try to not think of life in "good" and "bad" terms. I try, but mostly I don't succeed. However, I mostly come out feeling positive about the direction I am heading (atleast lately), so I do not take it too hard that this is just one of the many kinks in my psyche that I have yet to fully master. For the longest, I cried a victim's tear of never wanting to end up like my father. Now, I know I would not be completely adverse to ending up like him, although maybe without the self-inflicted pain I think he has caused to himself and those closest. That is not meant as a jab, just a realization that there are some things in this life out of our control, and there are some that even though we realize they are within our control, we make the wrong decision because we choose not to believe what God says about us in that moment of decision making.

I think the most important lesson God is teaching me right now, in this semi-critical moment of my life, is that when we are looking at ourselves in the mirror, instead of lamenting what we do not and do see (i.e. pointing out the "good" and "bad") focus on what He says about me and move on from that place, not with those obstacles or sins as my focus, but with Him as my focus. Every single time I have repented from a lifestyle choice in the past I have focused on changing those lifestyle decisions. For the first time I chose to focus on my Heavenly Father, and I am learning day by day how hard a road it is. No wonder I never traveled this way before. I was wordly strong. I could talk to a man like I did not give a crap and drink like my life was mine but I never had the strength to focus on my Father. Never had the strength to let Him lead me.

I am coming to some conclusions in my mind that make me want to cry tears of joy and sorrow all at once. The letting go of the old me is hard. I have moments. I want to dress provocatively. I want to go out. I want to pretend that there is no one but me. But then all I do is look up at my Father, and the tears of sorrow flow. For that me was sometimes happy, but never truly joyful, never truly satisfied, never truly sure of herself. And even now, with the joy that I do feel, there is darkness. But there is a light, and there is no doubt of who or what I am living for.

And I see a future with life. I met a man that I love. And in the beginning, I thought that the thing I loved about him was that he was not like my father. He was happy with me, as I was. Respected me, and showed care for me. He did not push his dissatisfaction with self onto me. And now I know that while this might be true it is not WHY I love him. I do not love him for anything he does for me. Or for anything he won't do. Although that assurance in my mind brings me tears because I never doubt that he adores me. I love him because I do. It is not just an affection or an emotion, if it were I do not think my feeble view of relationships previously would have let us survive the obstacles we have faced in this short time. The Lord has his hand on his life, and whatever role I am supposed to take in that I will. I know that not everything about our relationship is perfect or godly, but I know that we both love God, and that at the depths of our humanity we are actually more alike than our pasts would have you believe. He is a friend above all else. And has supported me beyond what I could have imagined. This is just a little thank you thought out.

As for the life that I am learning not see in black and white terms, anything is possible. Any venue that shows God glory, I hope that my trepidation remains prayed away! Every opportunity that I thought might have been the wrong decision He has made a blessing for growth. Teaching might not be my life's purpose but it is a passion that can be lived out for Christ. I saw an episode of 30 Days yesterday, which is a documentary show intended to change peoples' lives in 30 days. An atheist lived with a Christian family and the husband told her fellow atheists that he was so sorry for the persecution they had experienced from Christians. RIGHT BEFORE he told them to move if they did not appreciate "In God We Trust" written on their dollar bills. And I thought, just love people. And I have been given that chance. Whether 30 days or 2, people need to be cared for. Religions everywhere have a bad rap because people cannot always live up to their morals. Or interpret them the wrong way. But instead of being angry about it I just have to hold my head up high and say yes, I am going to do what God wants for me. Not what my Dad wants (another major flaw of mine), not what Andy wants, not even what Andrea wants (to travel Europe). What God wants, and you work with the resources you are given. So right now I have a big job. Tomorrow is almost here...

Bread pudding has a lot of ingredients...

And so does my life I guess. And now I know that the hard part about growing up is not in the choices that you make, or your ingredients, but in how you make your choices.

I guess that this week has really taught me a lot about myself. A) That I still have that shy side that I long to get away from, and B) That the choices I make are seriously affecting who I am as a person. Not only did I realize that my shyness still existed, I also realized there are a plethora of little choices that get handed to you when you choose to take that plunge into adulthood. The week has not even reached Wednesday, yet I am caring about a lot more than I thought I would. I am excited about a lot more than I thought I would be. I realized that my job is not just that anymore. It is a million other things that I have to treasure, and guard, and take care to be dilligent with. I cannot express the wave of emotions that has run through me in two short days. At home everything is seemingly normal but my days are filled with tears, joy, despair, fear, excitement, smiles, furrowed brows, and the occassional frown. All at increased heights, mind you.

So, I am learning, and choosing to learn, all that I can. And how I make that choice, how I make all these little choices, is by knowing that in all of this God has something to show me. Hopefully God has something to show through me. Yes, I have passion and desire to affect change in church ministry through the authenticity that I think Christ requires of his leaders. That same authenticity I think that we freely give if we freely allow ourselves to love Christ. And something I am learning more every day is to freely love we must obey him. A concept that I held at arm's length in the past... But, this position I have accepted, in a school, with over 2,500 students, requires that same authenticity. It hungers for that same love, or I will be fruitless in my endeavors. Surprisingly no one is having to force me to care. I just do. But with each choice I must remember that, and remember the greatest reason to why I am here...Love God, love others. Something that I am neither perfect nor skilled at, but I do know I am willing to let God shape me. And help me. And let others help me. It's all a choice, and I think we need to remember the reason we have the choices in the first place, myself included.

Thanks God, for it all.

The call of who?

 As I try to begin my "adult" life I am plagued by thoughts that perhaps I am making the wrong decision. Or maybe not the wrong decision, but the decision that is not best for where God wants to take me. Throughout my life I have been confused by many things, namely my rebellion, my relationships, and my desires. But for once I am not confused about any of those things. I feel like my outright rebellion has been me as a captive that God has set free and is healing. My relationships are growing and striving to be godly. My desires are unwavering and are handled with prayer. But my life, my job, my CAREER, terrifies me.
In growing to be an adult I realize that I have adult responsibilities that cannot be handled with an hourly pay at a coffeeshop. I have real bills and real life awaiting me everyday. I have been blessed to have parents that helped me get through college, helped me get a car that was not a danger to my life, and now it is time for me to relinquish them of their financial help and step up as their child grown into a woman. And it is not the growing up part that scares me, it is the reality that in that I have to set aside a part of me that is growing wild and wants to be set free for a responsible, daily well paying job. I have no objections to working hard, I love it. But I would rather work hard for free at something I love and feel called to do then at something I am establishing for the sake that it is something I like and it takes care of my grown-up responsibility. I know it is not a choice, I can still do the thing that I love, but how long until I become entrenched in the job that pays? I have never felt before the call of God on my life and people that I have until this past couple months. For the first time I love my customers that I know and talk to at Starbucks. I see their shining qualities and the hard work they put into their days like never before. They are beautiful and I want to thank each and everyone that has taken a special interest in me and my aspirations to resign that workplace, there have been several who have directly affected me in that area. That being said, I know the same feeling and relationship will apply should I begin teaching. However in both arenas, one I have not even yet begun, I feel something is lacking. Like, there could be more if I was in that niche that God had planned for me. I guess my biggest fear is that that niche won't pay the bills.
Do you remain faithful in what you have been assigned and wait for an absolute?
Do you stick your head out there and pay no heed to the money, the responsibility?
Which is the godly answer? The godly pursuit?
Which is right for me?
I know God has called me, but I do not know the path He wants me to take. I know if I remain faithful and loving to Him, he will remain faithful to me, no matter what the job... career, calling, or not.... yet I remain prayerful, questioning....I do not know if the answer inside is me or Him.

Maybe I should take another look.