I am not from Mexico!!!

Is my life reduced to weeks flying by, no sense of personal time and "vacation" seeming like a dirty, and far too whimsical, word? Hmmm, guess so. I find it hard to find time. Or to make time. And it is disappointing. Extremely actually. I couldn't word it before now. And I still do not know if I will do so successfully. But here goes my try.

I had a great summer. It was an adjustment period really. I had some rough fights and some beautiful moments. It was full. I fell for God. I was dissatisfied with my job, but satisfied with my life up to that aspect. I never thought that one decision could, or ever would, change me as much as this has. Some days I think I am just a bleeding heart. And that others that used to know me surely think that. Instead of passion for myself, what I used to think was my zeal for life, I have a passion that far exceeds my individual capabilities and any plans I thought I had for myself. The selfish part of myself wants to scream and cry at this loss. But the other side of me has no idea how to begin to live....balanced. The pendulum has swung and there are only glimpses of the girl I used to be. And surprisingly, oh so surprisingly, the somewhat naive wild child of the past was more connected to her savior than this grown up, anal retentive, edging on workaholic woman I have become. I was not more obedient but I was more aware, and my obedience, when it was there, was inspired from that love, not influenced by my lifestyle. I want to be committed to people and my work, but not at the loss of my relationship with God or the people that are important to me. I do not want to just go to church on Sunday! Or read my Bible when I think about. I WANT to be passionately committed, so in love with my savior that I would not betray that love by stepping so far out of its bounds to dishonor it.

And I am 100% positive that would make me a better teacher. My heart would not only bleed but compassion and love would show, perhaps being the initiative that some need for real change. I have never been so unsure of my next step than I am now. I have a real chance here to show God, to many many lives that are being beaten down by a system that doesn't work and people that do not know what they are talking about. When you start talking about others as human beings instead of statistics or numbers or God forbid, money, then begin your argument. Equal rights do not mean Americans get to make the rules. We are each anarchists in our own way, so let's not cry out that our reasoning is sanity and abiding by the law.

Do you speed? Okay then. That is the whole of my argument today. Simply because, well, it's ludicrous.

I feel like so much of me is God-given and I am so, so, so blessed to have the life I have. But I lack that connection, that piece. And I think about it, but everyday another day passes without me crying out for help, or making that effort. It is not easy to do everything by yourself, but it is even harder to ask for help.

Jesus, help me.