Girlfriends

 I have rarely been or had the type of friend that I want. Too long drinking and too long being caught up in a life of right now pleasures led me to fun friendships, and some deeper, but not the kind where your life changes and you still have things to talk about. Because when your habits change your friendships change. I guess I can't find it in me to live for "fun" anymore. How long is it fun? I feel like at times my life is difficult, but I am setting myself up to make some sort of difference. Even if I don't know what that is yet. I can't afford to waste all my money on the weekends going out. And most of the time I don't feel like it. Yes, I miss music and culture. But those are the only things that I miss. Except...

Camaraderie.

That certain thing that you feel when you are sipping a cup of coffee and laughing about that guy on the street that just tripped over his shoe lace, commenting on the latest book you are reading, or that last annoying thing your boyfriend or mother did. I don't think that time in my life is gone. I just think my group of friends, the one that I thought was everlasting, faded. And it could have been my decisions that led to that. It could have been everyone's. I conclude that it is really no one's fault. It happens. I suppose.

I have those friends that I still love with every inch of my person. Because I love them and there is just no denying that. But we aren't the same. I cannot pretend to be something I am not and neither can they.

But one friend. I have one friend that will always at least TRY to understand me. That will always listen. Always laugh. And she loves coffee. She left today. And I feel an emptyness that cannot be explained. Not because we won't be friends. Neither because she will never return. But because it is nice. It is a blessing...to have that. And I know that this person and I will never be separated. Because it is not that we just like hanging out. It is not that we like the same coffee shop. It is that I love and respect her completely, even when she makes stupid decisions. Even when she dates people I think should be secluded to personal islands because no good can come of them to anyone, at all. We are so different. And alike. Okay, I am going back to childhood here but it is like Anne and Diana of Anne of Green Gables. Kindred Spirits. The person is not the same, but the heart is. I miss the "girlfriend" thing. But nothing can replace a best friend. A true friend. I thank God every day for that.

Plus, I know that there are other dorky teacher types that I can hang out with if I really need to.