A rainy day kind of rambling

Metal is wrapped around my body. Not thin aluminum, not a sheet of metallic paper that gives, but a hard cool steel that encases my body and cocks my head to one side. It is unfortunate that it is not positioned in a prayer pose really. Maybe that would evoke some kind of relief. Some kind of feeling that movement might be possible soon, if I just keep saying the right words. Miracles do happen, you know.

My acceptance of others ideals, anything I felt in my heart, or for that matter felt God saying, pushed to the side in hopes of some security. I wasn’t normal. With every piece of insecurity I willingly accepted another chain. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, so why did it matter. Fearful of living freely, I watched the chains become so thick they encased me and I smiled, hoping this phase would be easier, the chains relieving me of the personal responsibility of holding my head up. Eventually chains make you realize you are not a free person. But is that better than being free to mess your own life up? Hands dirty when you fall, or worse- collapse. How often do those once jailed and chained willingly go back to escape the pain of doing it themselves. Or fear of trying. I should be able to say I knew better. That I believed enough in myself or the God I say I love. I didn’t. Maybe now I can ask someone to start removing the metal so I can. So I will.