Trust Trust Trust

It is a constant battle with my inner demons. The part of me that does not hold fast to the truth of the Holy Spirit and does not put immense value on my own person and who God created me to be. In these moments when I am certain of that woman inside of me, trust is not the issue. Ocassionally when I am free of these feelings I am attacked by pride, both being monsters in their own right. Both being things I want to desperately rid myself of.

Delving into your own mind and reasons for distrust is a minefield. When life tells you to avoid disparities and seek comfort and pleasure, you almost forget all the lessons you were taught, or weren’t taught, at an early age.

Many people that I love were taught very young that life was not fair. They saw problems in the world, many times even in their own families, but they were comforted by the fact that although physically or emotionally injured, they still came out alive, intact, in one piece. I think that I was falsely informed. I lived in what I like to still refer to as a Christian bubble. Granted, I was raised with a strong belief system and faith, but did the world have to be hidden from me? I am not sure. To further ask this question, I am compiling a list of things I believed (truly) until I was 12 or 13.

1. People do not kiss before they are married. This is an extreme sin, and to break this rule would truly upset God.
2. Musical artists like Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith were huge artists who were wildly popular.
3. I was totally unaware as to what anything sexual involved, besides it involving both a man and woman (At 14 I finally got the courage to ask someone what exactly a BJ was). Thus, pregnancy possibly came from “FRENCH” kissing. (gasp)
4. Using swear words was something that only coarse or vulgar people did. “Normal” people did not do this.
5. Drinking, smoking, wearing short skirts, all of these were sins so obvious that they obviously meant you weren’t a Christian.
6. Marriage could be perfect (heck, I believed that one until I was 15).
7. People who were not like us did not know what life was about.
8. The world that I lived in was normal and similar to many other people’s worlds.

These are just a few examples. Lately, I am realizing…. There are a lot of good things that I took away from my childhood, and I held onto my purity for much longer than most, but at what cost? I am not saying that to sin my entire life and be engulfed in the ways of the world would have made my life better. But to be made more aware, perhaps I would not have such a strong aversion to reality today. The issue is trust, and I think that I just no longer trust that the world is in any way as it should be, even in my own “bubble” for lack of a better word. The things that are right I seem to bombard with my mindful allegiance to how the world really works, and all the things I did not know as a child.

Does this make any sense? I am not sure. I just know that I am desperately calling out to the Lord to give me peace and trust in the plans he has laid before me and the blessings he has given me. They already exist right in front of me. Reality might be hard, but do I really want to go back to the bubble? I mean, wasn’t it really all pretend anyway?

Lord, please hear my prayer, teach me to trust in what is real and holy and true, all those things that are from you. The letdowns were huge, but you are still real and just and holy. Let me not be led by a spirit of fear, just because I learned the world’s systems at a later time does not mean that I have to be fearful of those things that are reality. But let me Father, personally, not be conformed by those systems but constantly call myself to your name and you Spirit, living a life that is renewed by you and dead to my flesh. Let me be a vessel Father. And let this be my prayer for all that I know who love You and live for You.

Amen.