What's my story?

New Blog

2008-07-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have started blogging at my very own domain!

http://www.shalomexistence.com

Check it out, subscribe, interact, enjoy!

Forced transfer to teacher of immigrants, legal or not....

2008-06-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

I do not want to talk about how my heart swells to tears when I think about leaving my students. How I am crying and I know I don't want my next job but I feel forced to do so. I don't know how to deal with this! You think you have a plan and a passion given to you by God, then it gets taken out from under you. There is a price tag on everything in this country, except the war in Iraq. Borrowing and creating debt is not a problem to fight terror but it is unheard of when it comes to our children. In the education system, if the check for 1 million dollars comes in for XXX, money may only be spent on XXX, and YYY, and ZZZ. Oops, we don't have enough money for X, well that's okay. They can do without. These are not flavors of Haagen Daz, they are Humans. People complain because there are non-citizens in our schools. People do not want to pay for children whose parents are not contributing to taxes in this country. They call it unfair.

It is unfair then, that there are people who live in our economy, contribute to it, and rent our homes but are the first to have basic human rights taken away. Is it fair that when there is a 99 cent sale in school the students are the first things sold. And then the teachers can be thrown away. There have been major rivalries over the immigrant climate in this nation for years. What would YOU do to give your family a better life? Do you really think they are hurting you? Well, I bet that if you would open your arms there would be a lot more to learn than be hurt by. Being an adult means realizing that there are positives and negatives to everything, and that there are arguments that make sense on both sides of the immigration issue. But that when dehumanzing humans becomes part of the process, don't you wonder where our own humanity has gone? When did our citizenship become more important than another life?

I have an opinion: It's not. And, the "immigration culture" in this country. It sucks. It is full of hate, or worse, the apathy of the people that don't see anything wrong or even notice when they put white people first. For citizens and all the other humans living inside these walls. It keeps us from learning and growing. NOT the people, the opinions that breed the hatred.

It's a sad day in the US of A.

Da Da Da The D Word!

2008-05-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

I don’t feel like being poetic or having anyone say “Well said Andrea.” What I do feel like doing is driving off into the deep end of the pool and sinking to the bottom until I can escape, air burning in my lungs, and feel something stronger than this. Dream something bigger than this. Hope something greater.

My dad says he used to love my mom, but was never in love with her. My mom says she had always loved my dad, but now she can’t anymore. I always thought that love was simple and that if one person felt in their heart something was right and the other person agreed, then it probably was. Not so says….well…people. I have to believe in love though. I have to give in to my optimism where my love is concerned. Or I will be haunted by things that cannot define but seek to control me for the remainder of this short life.

How though, can persons be so compassionate for the masses and so dispassionate towards those they know personally? How can people love, then hate, and walk away? I have done it myself- one time. And it is an action that never wants repeating, never lacks repulsion in its aftermath, and can create pain for more than only the selfish person who caused it. Sometimes you are lucky and you can come back. Other times you are not.

But say you think you never loved in the first place? Will both parties be better off from one’s decision to walk away. Or will someone always remained scarred. Not only haunted by the things that were said to them, but killed by the oppressive stench, air hanging in the rejection of that person who left and wears a smile, or did not offer remorse, or did not even turn around to glance back in the rearview mirror. How is hope passed down when such pain exists? How do marriages survive when one person always has a problem that seems bigger than themselves? I don’t know, but I have to believe. I have to believe, because I love more than I could have ever imagined. I want greater things for another than I want for myself. And I believe that is possible. And I believe that you don’t have to give up yourself.

I have to believe.
In Love.

No Child (Except impoverished, Unstable, English Language Learners, Collectivist, Full time working, and Poorly supported) Left Behind

2008-04-02T05:06:00.000-07:00

If the United States is going to continue to proclaim its leadership in the world and its disparity between “our ways” and “their ways” it would seem that they would notice the large disparity created by their own laws which largely discriminates against the diversity of culture in the states and largely leans on a white educated middle class styling to support all of its students, which has seen a rise in a student achievement but has even more so recognized the gap, it would seem that the solution would be rethought and perhaps a less intrusive and more altruistic route could be taken.

Doesn’t it?

(Salutes) And I pledge allegiance to the.....

2008-03-19T08:31:00.001-07:00

Is there anything for us to do about the state of the nation? With church change almost becoming chic, I wonder if we will lose touch with what everything is about in the first place. I hate that the images I see around me are almost high school-esque. Cool kids and cool churches, the not cool ones being the ones that aren’t listening to Jesus.

What the???

I don’t know when the heart of it all got left behind but it feels like it sometimes. I know it is difficult, so difficult sometimes, to not get caught up in ourselves, but if we start listening to Jesus I think we can make it. If we just read his word and follow his laws, not the laws of man, listening to our hearts conviction from the movings of the Holy Spirit, we will get by. I have been up and down, learning and growing. I have been cultivated, drenched, and starved. The drought never lasts long enough for death, and the rain and sun visit me often. There are blessings all around, there is God among us.

So our responsibility to our nation lies not in the duties of that nation, but rather to the one in which we were called most resemble.

Movements or allies, enemies and politics, why do we cling to you? Or…why do I? What am I looking for that Jesus does not already offer me? Nothing. That is why offering myself to others is the greatest way I can love Jesus. Simply one of the only ways we can love him here on earth. Yes, we honor him with our lives, and we honor him with our specified acts of worship. Yet how many times do we mess up, sin, live for ourselves, have our minds completely wander off to that new CD or where we will visit for lunch in our supposed “worship moment.” If we are serving others in the midst of our flaws and messups and hang-ups, is this not far better than having the same flaws and messups with a totally self-serving attitude. Belief that loving Christ is separate from how we treat others? He made us all. He MADE us ALL. The cross was for us all. Yes, it was for us all.

All: lovers and haters and fighters and Germans and and artists and Fascists and Socialists and Chinese and Buddhists and Catholics and Reformed whoevers and Eckists and saints and sinners and Jews and actors and the poor and the rich and the Gentiles and the Colombians and the Canadians and the hunters and the writers and the teachers and the Swiss and the chocolate lovers and the immigrants and the Americans and the George Bushes and the Tom Cruises and the minimalists and the anti-Semitics and the anti-Gays and the unionists and the Belgian and the Soviets and the lesbians and the Asians and the whites and the atheists and the Satanists and the crazies and the killers and the rapists and the child molesters and the young and old.

And in His way, let us not only love but reach out to and care for the poor, oppressed, the homeless and the widows. Lest we will stray too far from our calling.

The upside of truth and anger

2008-03-04T07:41:00.001-08:00

Justice. How are Christ followers called to justice? How can we create a system of justice and seek justice in our own communities in the midst of strife and injustice inside our own walls. The world oppresses and in turn the church oppresses. In my lifetime and I believe probably since the Medieval church rose to power, the church, a large majority of the time, has accepted the status quo. The status quo being an acceptance of the systems that govern our societies. While we have always said our MORALS are different, giving us a certain air, we have not too often said our way of governing time, money, others, or our way of viewing the political and social system was defined as countercultural. Often subcultural in nature Christians will create a mirror image of society at large and call it Christian, because well, Christians are a part of it. Not that it is “Christ-like.”

How is it faith when it is not lived out and breathed out everyday. Are we really having faith or we living by fear? If we don’t know Jesus we have to know we will never desire to live like him. So if we are wondering where our compassion is, where our goodwill or right living is, we have only our relationship with Christ and others to examine.

The question is: Do we, as Christ followers, really want that? Or would we rather live from the fear of going to hell and continuously fulfill ourselves with empty pleasures and the extreme highs, lows and crashes that come with that. Do not misunderstand, everyone, regardless of lifestyle, will experience difficulty. But when you are going through these valleys, will you look out on desolation and gray sky, or will you be wrapped in the arms of your Father, seeing at least the hope of a light dawning?

I think my deep longing and question lies in not being able to penetrate this understanding into the Christians and so-called Christ followers surrounding me. There are sunny days I see hope. I believe that I am being granted a pure moment of joy when I discover other like minded people, but in the morning rain might be falling and the bombardments of worldly people, Christian or not, sits on my soul like a dark cloud.

How does the belief in justice change this? How does belief in Christ shape this belief? Examine the minute details that exist in your life that might accept the status quo. Houses being built on your street for $500,000 to keep diversity away…the political system that accepts and allows and desires minority groups to depend on the system. As long as you are dependent you lack the power to change things. Dependence causes a mindset, sometimes even subconsciously. Humanity, at least the ones who are aware, need to step up and step out of the shadows to raise awareness about the self interests everywhere, especially lying in the wake of American imperialism, that groups and peoples do not even know they have, because they do not even know it cannot be different. Well, it can. Jesus died, and with that he took away the division that the world still holds onto. What are we doing still grasping it like our security blanket?

What are you going to do about it??? Whatever you have conviction about, seek justice in that conviction. Seek the life giving justice that Christ so readily gives. And then thank Him for being able to…

Trust Trust Trust

2008-02-28T07:25:00.001-08:00

It is a constant battle with my inner demons. The part of me that does not hold fast to the truth of the Holy Spirit and does not put immense value on my own person and who God created me to be. In these moments when I am certain of that woman inside of me, trust is not the issue. Ocassionally when I am free of these feelings I am attacked by pride, both being monsters in their own right. Both being things I want to desperately rid myself of.

Delving into your own mind and reasons for distrust is a minefield. When life tells you to avoid disparities and seek comfort and pleasure, you almost forget all the lessons you were taught, or weren’t taught, at an early age.

Many people that I love were taught very young that life was not fair. They saw problems in the world, many times even in their own families, but they were comforted by the fact that although physically or emotionally injured, they still came out alive, intact, in one piece. I think that I was falsely informed. I lived in what I like to still refer to as a Christian bubble. Granted, I was raised with a strong belief system and faith, but did the world have to be hidden from me? I am not sure. To further ask this question, I am compiling a list of things I believed (truly) until I was 12 or 13.

1. People do not kiss before they are married. This is an extreme sin, and to break this rule would truly upset God.
2. Musical artists like Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith were huge artists who were wildly popular.
3. I was totally unaware as to what anything sexual involved, besides it involving both a man and woman (At 14 I finally got the courage to ask someone what exactly a BJ was). Thus, pregnancy possibly came from “FRENCH” kissing. (gasp)
4. Using swear words was something that only coarse or vulgar people did. “Normal” people did not do this.
5. Drinking, smoking, wearing short skirts, all of these were sins so obvious that they obviously meant you weren’t a Christian.
6. Marriage could be perfect (heck, I believed that one until I was 15).
7. People who were not like us did not know what life was about.
8. The world that I lived in was normal and similar to many other people’s worlds.

These are just a few examples. Lately, I am realizing…. There are a lot of good things that I took away from my childhood, and I held onto my purity for much longer than most, but at what cost? I am not saying that to sin my entire life and be engulfed in the ways of the world would have made my life better. But to be made more aware, perhaps I would not have such a strong aversion to reality today. The issue is trust, and I think that I just no longer trust that the world is in any way as it should be, even in my own “bubble” for lack of a better word. The things that are right I seem to bombard with my mindful allegiance to how the world really works, and all the things I did not know as a child.

Does this make any sense? I am not sure. I just know that I am desperately calling out to the Lord to give me peace and trust in the plans he has laid before me and the blessings he has given me. They already exist right in front of me. Reality might be hard, but do I really want to go back to the bubble? I mean, wasn’t it really all pretend anyway?

Lord, please hear my prayer, teach me to trust in what is real and holy and true, all those things that are from you. The letdowns were huge, but you are still real and just and holy. Let me not be led by a spirit of fear, just because I learned the world’s systems at a later time does not mean that I have to be fearful of those things that are reality. But let me Father, personally, not be conformed by those systems but constantly call myself to your name and you Spirit, living a life that is renewed by you and dead to my flesh. Let me be a vessel Father. And let this be my prayer for all that I know who love You and live for You.

Amen.

Dedication of the mindless (that's me)

2007-11-30T08:41:00.000-08:00

Why is it important to rededicate ourselves? Why is it essential that we remind ourselves daily of why we do the things that we do. Many things and many people, without knowing it, have been speaking to my heart lately. As I often do when I have a clear vision of what God has called me to do, I leave Him behind for a little while. I did that recently, while still saying “In Jesus name” in the meantime. It is so difficult to procure the raw from yourself, getting down to what you truly believe in, when all you want for people to see is your good side.

I have many strong convictions about faith and how I am called to live. Yet, in the moments of thrilling epiphanies and clear headed concoctions, God somehow loses his place as governor supreme in my personal hierarchy. I find myself wondering how I can please people and not God. Then I realize that I am displaying selfishness along the way. So many times I try to appear caring, but in the end the numero uno has always been me.

My broken reality is not so much in my beliefs or my faith, but in the ways that I am choosing to know Jesus more. It seems they are outweighed by the instances I am gaining insight on the world. I wish that I could take a magic wand and displace my fears about fully following Christ. I also hope that at some point I will be able to disapparate the wall between myself and others. That I will be able to see and know people, without disdain, without judgment, and with tangible love.

I know now that too often I let pride get in the way of me showing myself to others. I let self-awareness cripple me into being perceived as a person I am not. A person who really doesn’t care to much and is wrapped up in life’s happenstances. It is a walk and struggle that is life. I was perusing television the other day when I heard Michael Cain utter one line- "Easy doesn't enter into adult life." And it doesn't. We have to be responsible. It is our choice to be who we want to be. And at the end, if we turned around, would be really be happy to see posessions and an individualism we can't take with us. We may breathe alone, be born alone, and die alone, but it is and always will be wrapped up in this gift of life we have recieved. Whether you believe in God or not, this relationship with God (or life if you will), that is completely unrelentlessly tied in relationships...think of the moon and the sun and the stars, gravity and motion, men and women, nature and technology. Everything is being effected and affecting at once. It is all relational, and it is all our choice. Life can be an individual. But living, that is a different story.

I am steady, I do not blow with the wind or topple over at a shove. I desire preparedness, for whatever needs may be placed in my path, whatever people walk by me.

The blessings that people have given me, the prayers that have been prayed over me, and the immense love I have received are more than enough. I am giving back. That phone call, letting you know your presence is missed, that student that says thank you and wants to talk, I am so undeserving because some days I forget to remind myself, I forget to love and why I am loving, and I simply miss out.

“Let the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, Oh Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:4

A rainy day kind of rambling

2007-10-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Metal is wrapped around my body. Not thin aluminum, not a sheet of metallic paper that gives, but a hard cool steel that encases my body and cocks my head to one side. It is unfortunate that it is not positioned in a prayer pose really. Maybe that would evoke some kind of relief. Some kind of feeling that movement might be possible soon, if I just keep saying the right words. Miracles do happen, you know.

My acceptance of others ideals, anything I felt in my heart, or for that matter felt God saying, pushed to the side in hopes of some security. I wasn’t normal. With every piece of insecurity I willingly accepted another chain. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, so why did it matter. Fearful of living freely, I watched the chains become so thick they encased me and I smiled, hoping this phase would be easier, the chains relieving me of the personal responsibility of holding my head up. Eventually chains make you realize you are not a free person. But is that better than being free to mess your own life up? Hands dirty when you fall, or worse- collapse. How often do those once jailed and chained willingly go back to escape the pain of doing it themselves. Or fear of trying. I should be able to say I knew better. That I believed enough in myself or the God I say I love. I didn’t. Maybe now I can ask someone to start removing the metal so I can. So I will.

A peaceful rant, if you will

2007-03-07T08:50:00.001-08:00

So, amnesty is back, but for what?? So that liberals and conservatives have another thing unrelated to peace or resolution to fight over? For the conservatives to be right about how little liberals care about the protection of this country? Or so that our government can keep tabs on every person they possibly can by making them an American citizen? Conspiracy theories and babble aside, what happened to each individual being responsible for their own actions? And by that, I mean not grouping entire populations into stereotypes and judging them accordingly. I am tired of the anarchist political groups creating their own mini-governments. Umm, doesn't that defeat the purpose? I am tired of so-called Republicans pushing big government through "moral reforms." And I am even tired of Democrats who say they are Democrats because they care about the little man but are really just wherever they are to push their own self-gratifying agenda. Everyone lives in their own Hollywood. Wanting to be the star. Wanting someone to tell them how good they are at something.

Project Red gets bashed because it's a campaign to raise money that is spending millions to get its point across. Similarly, the Live Aid concert series to raise awareness for global warming has been beaten down to the fact that yes, the airplanes flying the artists across the globe to participate in these concerts will, surprise, be flying on planes and again, surprise, contributing to global warming. At the least we could be appreciative that these men are actually using their pull to make something good happen. And these men realize that to capitalize on the economic wealth of Americans and actually get support they must give them a show. However much I agree or disagree with these men, I do think they care and they are trying.

Does bitching about it help anyone or does it just help people to feel better about themselves?

"Yep, I sure am right because just look at those dumb liberals wasting all that money." All that money that could be going to what? The war. Yes, let's kill more innocent people please. "But we are stopping those terrorists and they kill people too!"

Umm, yes, yes they are. But only because the American attitude exists in the first place.

It's sad. I would unabashedly like to bash those campaigns as well. However, Bono's and Gore's mindset is right on. The only way to grab the American public's attention is through flashy lights and big money marketing. More people know who Taylor Hicks is than their U.S. representative or senator. Is that because Taylor Hicks has done anything that goes beyond the mundane into the worthwhile? Absolutely not.

I am not angry, nor am I playing nice. I am merely trying to implore people to look at the big picture of what is happening directed by the country we live in. As Americans we are lucky. We can vocalize our protests and show our distaste. But even more than that we have the opportunity to do something. We have the opportunity to help change a mindset by first changing our own. Then we can move to helping a neighbor, understanding a different culture, supporting a cause. Let our understanding trickle down. Then let that understanding turn into love. Hate for hate does not equal love. I love what Michael Franti says "The war on terror is a war on peace."

Are people really angry because somewhere someone might have been imposing on a luxury they thought they should have without that other person even knowing it? Because those "imposers" if you will, are just living their lives, not trying to steal but trying to be equal. And, they are. That this has to be a realization to even one person is beyond comprehension.

Look around you, what are you mad about? Will it matter in the end?

Are we not all human?

2007-02-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

The thing about life is that you can never predict how it will turn out or trace the steps you will take to a t. If you can, then I urge you to reevaluate your life and turn a page that will perhaps lead you to a new and improved lifestyle. The world never stops changing, and always wants for improvement. The more that I delve into my passions the farther removed I feel from the world, yet the more I am striving to improve the world around me. I wonder if this is the way it ought to be. The more true you are to yourself, your real, untainted, lacking purely selfish motive self, the more you will impact your environment. There are too many lives that are floundering, not because of personal stories or decisions, but simply because of the world that exists. The personal struggles and recoveries from bad decisions exist as well, but maybe if you survey the situations that are without any personal fault some of the cynism and walls will come down to reveal a heart that is desirous of reaching out and touching people, not because we know them or we love them, but simply because their blood is the same blood that runs through us. Humanity. Hindrances from war, disaster, egocentric behavior, greed...none can erase the common bond we all share.

World peace, environmental rest, Poverty, none of these issues can be solved with a single act. But none of them are any closer without one. Single acts together can equal change. Whether it impacts one person or many. Let's not let doing nothing push humanity in the wrong direction.

When you look into a child's face and they are thirsting for education, support, and an equal chance to, simply put, make their life better, than if you care whether they are legal, Muslim, yellow, or even a right-minded conservative, you are doing something wrong. You don't have to be a full-time volunteer. You don't have to be a bleeding heart. Just take one day, one moment, to ask what is more important. Self-fulfillment or just fulfillment of a life worth breathing in. Just open your heart and see what comes out. You might find something you can do for others that you had never even thought of. And in the process you might fill a few missing pieces in your own life. Cliche as it might be, joy comes from giving, and knowledge that cannot, cannot, be bought.

This is as much to myself as it is to anyone who might read this.... It is unfortunate that it is so difficult a subject matter.

Girlfriends

2007-01-05T17:37:00.000-08:00

I have rarely been or had the type of friend that I want. Too long drinking and too long being caught up in a life of right now pleasures led me to fun friendships, and some deeper, but not the kind where your life changes and you still have things to talk about. Because when your habits change your friendships change. I guess I can't find it in me to live for "fun" anymore. How long is it fun? I feel like at times my life is difficult, but I am setting myself up to make some sort of difference. Even if I don't know what that is yet. I can't afford to waste all my money on the weekends going out. And most of the time I don't feel like it. Yes, I miss music and culture. But those are the only things that I miss. Except...

Camaraderie.

That certain thing that you feel when you are sipping a cup of coffee and laughing about that guy on the street that just tripped over his shoe lace, commenting on the latest book you are reading, or that last annoying thing your boyfriend or mother did. I don't think that time in my life is gone. I just think my group of friends, the one that I thought was everlasting, faded. And it could have been my decisions that led to that. It could have been everyone's. I conclude that it is really no one's fault. It happens. I suppose.

I have those friends that I still love with every inch of my person. Because I love them and there is just no denying that. But we aren't the same. I cannot pretend to be something I am not and neither can they.

But one friend. I have one friend that will always at least TRY to understand me. That will always listen. Always laugh. And she loves coffee. She left today. And I feel an emptyness that cannot be explained. Not because we won't be friends. Neither because she will never return. But because it is nice. It is a blessing...to have that. And I know that this person and I will never be separated. Because it is not that we just like hanging out. It is not that we like the same coffee shop. It is that I love and respect her completely, even when she makes stupid decisions. Even when she dates people I think should be secluded to personal islands because no good can come of them to anyone, at all. We are so different. And alike. Okay, I am going back to childhood here but it is like Anne and Diana of Anne of Green Gables. Kindred Spirits. The person is not the same, but the heart is. I miss the "girlfriend" thing. But nothing can replace a best friend. A true friend. I thank God every day for that.

Plus, I know that there are other dorky teacher types that I can hang out with if I really need to.

I am not from Mexico!!!

2006-12-01T06:29:00.000-08:00

Is my life reduced to weeks flying by, no sense of personal time and "vacation" seeming like a dirty, and far too whimsical, word? Hmmm, guess so. I find it hard to find time. Or to make time. And it is disappointing. Extremely actually. I couldn't word it before now. And I still do not know if I will do so successfully. But here goes my try.

I had a great summer. It was an adjustment period really. I had some rough fights and some beautiful moments. It was full. I fell for God. I was dissatisfied with my job, but satisfied with my life up to that aspect. I never thought that one decision could, or ever would, change me as much as this has. Some days I think I am just a bleeding heart. And that others that used to know me surely think that. Instead of passion for myself, what I used to think was my zeal for life, I have a passion that far exceeds my individual capabilities and any plans I thought I had for myself. The selfish part of myself wants to scream and cry at this loss. But the other side of me has no idea how to begin to live....balanced. The pendulum has swung and there are only glimpses of the girl I used to be. And surprisingly, oh so surprisingly, the somewhat naive wild child of the past was more connected to her savior than this grown up, anal retentive, edging on workaholic woman I have become. I was not more obedient but I was more aware, and my obedience, when it was there, was inspired from that love, not influenced by my lifestyle. I want to be committed to people and my work, but not at the loss of my relationship with God or the people that are important to me. I do not want to just go to church on Sunday! Or read my Bible when I think about. I WANT to be passionately committed, so in love with my savior that I would not betray that love by stepping so far out of its bounds to dishonor it.

And I am 100% positive that would make me a better teacher. My heart would not only bleed but compassion and love would show, perhaps being the initiative that some need for real change. I have never been so unsure of my next step than I am now. I have a real chance here to show God, to many many lives that are being beaten down by a system that doesn't work and people that do not know what they are talking about. When you start talking about others as human beings instead of statistics or numbers or God forbid, money, then begin your argument. Equal rights do not mean Americans get to make the rules. We are each anarchists in our own way, so let's not cry out that our reasoning is sanity and abiding by the law.

Do you speed? Okay then. That is the whole of my argument today. Simply because, well, it's ludicrous.

I feel like so much of me is God-given and I am so, so, so blessed to have the life I have. But I lack that connection, that piece. And I think about it, but everyday another day passes without me crying out for help, or making that effort. It is not easy to do everything by yourself, but it is even harder to ask for help.

Jesus, help me.

Colombus or Colon?

2006-11-21T07:25:00.000-08:00

Life changes everyday and in my life I never know what is going to come next. I don’t know if I am losing my passion for writing or not. Rilke said that if you must write you are a writer, however, if it is not what you think about when you wake in the morning, if it is not an all consuming desire, then you are not, in fact, a writer. I have always agreed and taken to heart all the minute details of what he writes that it means to write. After all, his own letters to another writer have inspired me to keep writing at many times in my life. Could they inspire me to stop?

I, and do not laugh when you read this, feel that I have nothing to say. I can say that I disagree with the United States’ policy on immigration. I can say that I disagree with the unfair treatment of people by people. There are many fingers to point and so many that I disagree with. My own friends even believing some of the Republican hogwash I wish that I could rake on. But, I will not change any minds in writing. I have yet to be so inspired to pen that I inspire others. I know this, and accept it. Yet I thought that I was working my way towards…something. When I was single and in the pits of myself I could drone on about men (oh, the pain) and women (please, pity me!) and God (come on, are you listening?! Rescue me here). Now that I am happy, at peace, growing, I instead find fault with myself. Huge gaping ones that uncover me as selfish, me as having a little Democratic hogwash (although I will admit I do not believe it to be as much), me not reaching out to others, not giving, placing blame, quick to anger….I could go on. It is utterly shocking. I was the sole problem all along then??

It is quite possible I tell myself as I try to search desperately for something to write about. Some ejection of self and emotion that ends up emblazoned on my mind and memory Simply because I wrote it somewhere.

Oh, if that were the case with our sins. I certainly would like no one and no one would like me. Am I antithesizing here to God’s way? To understand that statement would be to understand me. To anyone reading ( I think there are two of you out there) pray that I constantly redirect my focus from the inward dredge and think solely of why I am here, who I was created for, and where my true purpose lies.

I think I know, I just don’t like deserting anything that I love.
Check. Selfishness.

Fox News

2006-10-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

Fox News

If you like Fox News because you watch an hour or two a week, that’s okay. If you like Fox News because you have never seen any other news program, that’s alright. However, if you simply like Fox News, you might need help. And if you are protesting and saying that the other news programs are simply too liberal, then you might be right. But there is also something disturbing about being so conservative that you marginalize every group you report news about and verbally attack interviewees who are simply there to give information and not to debate. I am, for the first time in my life, upset that my parents raised me Republican. I am not purely liberal. I am not purely a pacifist. But I am, as I hope all would be, a humanitarian. I do not think that it is fair for an entire party to be judged on one man, but I hope that the “Foley” factor does skew voting and that perhaps Congress would go Democrat and that maybe somewhere change would be evoked. Because the war, the accusations of innocent people, the fire and brimstone attempt to remove “illegals,” it is judgment day in the USA and we can pass out whatever pink slips we want to if we don’t like what you are doing. The first immigrants? That would be white people. We didn’t care that we pushed our Native Americans onto reservations. Most of us still don’t care, or aren’t even aware of the fact, that they are still there. Everyone thinks their antidote is the right one. And for Fox News that antidote is making a complete ass of themself and condemning everyone in the process. Come on O'Reilly, condemn Democrats for their morally bankrupt lives while you sexually harass someone else. Don't like the accusation? Then stop accusing. And declare war on terrorists of other ethnicities while you're at it.

Devil with a blue dress

2006-10-09T08:17:00.000-07:00

The world is full. There are so many possibilities. There are so many ways to express the life that is in us. Do most of us ignore our God-give abilities to live safe lives? Or is that safeness the unsafe thing. The thing that keeps us thinking about not being mediocre and working really hard in the small things. Or is that just me? I know there is a lot of dissatisfaction around me. A lot of living simply the day to day. And I hate that. It saddens me for those that I know. But I am no less prone to falling into that pattern than anyone else. Those little moments where that is not my mindset, when I remember who my creator is and what He has given me, those are the moments I live for. Those are the moments that I wish would last forever.

In that moment I do not live perfectly, nor do I pretend I can. Neither do I dwell on my disillusionment with others inabilities because I am trying to escape from my own. As of late I have been frustrated and unsettled about the specks in everyone else's eyes. Very seldom stopping and looking in a mirror. Those little somethings that I need to do to keep my own a*# in line. I loathe the woman that I can be. Not the woman that I am. I do recognize that there is a distinguishable difference. One that I love, one that I hate, however it is certain that they both exist because of their ability to make me feel alive on some level. Whether that is good or bad I am unsure. Without the uncertain times I would probably not appreciate the moments of sheer crazy lovely understanding.

So, I guess there is a little devil in all of us. And it might not be trying to make demons out of us. It might just be trying to avert our eyes.

Gas guzzlin' southerner. Wait, that's me.

2006-09-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you do not know how long you have been riding on E until you completely break down. You never look down. You feel no energy to stop and get gas. So, you just ignore it until part of you forgets it is even there to be filled. I know that is how humans are. It is just interesting to me that sometimes we stop but don't fill ourselves with gas. Who knows why, but that day we try something different. And, a lot of things will just make you break down again.

So, out with negative. I want to be done with the wrong choice. Is it that simple? I feel like yes, it is, maybe for the first time. In the end, more than you suffers for the mistake of filling up with the wrong thing. There are numerous things that CAN happen, and it just seems that you never know what. Thank God we have people riding in the car with us to bring us to our senses sometimes.

"Umm, honey, that's not gas, that's the water hose."

Its like, gee thanks. We couldn't have figured that out for ourselves. But, would we have?

Riding

2006-09-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

I went to a church conference this weekend, I know, earth shattering excitement. I genuinely like being in that type of environment because I feel I learn. But sometimes I think you digress. I felt that this weekend was not so much a growth or learning experience as it was a revealing of this past digression. And how you move past it. Because all your thoughts and all your actions have been caught up in this past digression for so long, commited to it, especially when you thought you were learning. That is the trouble with being a little girl in a grown woman's body. You have to deal with what you learn and use it. People won't keep reminding you or putting you in time out. You could alter the course of your life if you choose to ignore what you know or simply what is revealed to you.

Right now I feel like I could spread a thousand messages and that there are many things I am sure of. But then I look back and see all the things I was "sure of." And I pause. I no longer want to speak as an expert or even a person who knows a lot about the things I know. But as a constant learner. I mean heck, this week I even found out that in Mexico they refer to themselves as Los Estados Unidos de la Mexicana. Who would have guessed. I wish that for a moment I could take myself out of the box of being an American. I know how blessed I am but I also think we have cursed ourselves in many ways. Ways that no amount of pacifist, conservative, or liberal thinking can change.

When you set a roller coaster in motion you cannot stop it in the middle of the ride, thinking that the car will magically end up at the end of its journey without taking all the hills, flying out of your seat a bit, and the ocassional scream. Nope, you just have to endure. And when it is over a lot of time you forget the fear and horror and just want to start it all over again.

Like men, all the good jobs are taken

2006-09-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

The less I have time for writing the more I want to do so. The more ideas pop in my head and I want to sit for days doing nothing but sip coffee and write in my journal. The thing is that I don't know how to get there. I know I am alright with working hard for a few years and setting myself up to pursue my dreams. But I am not okay with working myself to a point of frustration and fatigue, so that everything that comes out of me reflects that. Why isn't easy to work for God's glory and see the good in everything? I know there is good to be had, I am just not the one doing it. Or not seeing it. Or both.

I miss the rose colored glasses. The times when I would look out and see people and think that impacting their lives and the way I would do so would be, or could be, something I felt fully gifted and inspired to do. And seeing people smile and knowing that their lives, for that moment, were fulfilled, happy, or just blessed. I am blessed, so why does this gap in my life exist? Why can I not just look at my blessings and be thankful? People are telling me that I don't have to work this hard, I don't have to push myself for something that is unseen. But two months ago they were telling me the opposite. I am 25 years old. I should be making at least 1,000 a month and taking care of my own bills. So, at this point, yes I do have to do what I am doing. There is not a choice. Well, there is, but that choice is either choosing not to take care of myself or choosing to take care of myself in a less appealing, higher paying, probable sales type job. Umm, I don't see the choice people. And it is not that I am chronically dissatisfied. I am satisfied with my life. I am dissatisfied with the road I have paved for myself. I am fully aware that, had I made different choices, I could be in a different place.

Not a place where I am necessarily "comfortable," but a place where I am growing and learning my spiritual self in order to fully use the gifts that God gave me. It is so hard for me to admit to others what I want to do. Not because I am ashamed, but because I feel like it is so unrealistic and comfortable seeming. I want...to go back to school. Not to grad school. I want to go to seminary. Or....Bible school. Almost a dirty word for me. I do not want to make myself more rigid, or theological sounding, I just want to fully equip myself with the Word, and shape my understanding of it. And I want to be taught and challenged. Something I can do and am trying to do on my own. But I want it to take up my life for a little while. I want to catch up on all that I missed when I was running. I want to read books and spend time with God. I don't want to be praying tears of frustration over a job I am not gifted for, but can be good at. And maybe that will lead me to work in a church, or maybe it won't. I don't know. I would hope it would. But I am not turning away any ideas that I feel are God-given.

The biting part is, I feel like I spend so much time worrying and fretting over this, and not really giving it to God. Then I wonder why it is so hard to do that if I am really called to do "ministry." "Ministry" in quotes because our lives should be that, but I am talking about the paremeters of church kingdom we as humans have set up. It is so messy. And so hard. But I am not scared of that. 95% of the time I walk around feeling like a big baby because I appear to be scared of that. It is not that, it is just mentally and physically draining to work at something that is not preparing me and taking up almost 100% of my time. Am I scared? Could I make the move but am just not going for it? Or am I stuck? I really don't know. That is the problem. I have had so many obstacles for so long. Now I don't. So am I just creating them for myself?

Accidental Ovaries

2006-09-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think about why God made women and God made men and why there isn't one sex if God is one sex, or isn't, I guess he could be neither. But it seems that everyone wants to refer to him in the masculine sense because, well, no one wants their God to be emotional and like watching movies called things like Must Love Dogs and In Her Shoes. In fact, I like to think that God would enjoy the ocassional chick flick, but who knows? I really am unsure of how he views women. And since I am a woman, trying to claim a life in the church world, which is a man's world more than WWE wrestling and the whole of the Die Hard franchise, it is quite disturbing that I do not have a clear view of his view.

I have read the verse about women being made for men (somewhere in Romans I believe), and I have also read the Genesis story, in which it is blatantly obvious that God provides Eve for Adam as a helpmate, after a period of time possibly lasting years where Adam is alone and working quite hard. So, where is the place of a woman? Do I have to let my man do all the work because his sex is the right sex to do so? I know it is a man's world, and God created man as the head, but does that leave women to be the butt? I like the analogy in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that women are the neck and can turn the man any way she wants... but is that Biblical? What are we supposed to be striving for?

It seems everyone has a different answer. Even listening to godly men I get confused. The Bible is so simple. God is so direct in what he desires for our life. But then you talk to people, and they say, well it might not say it in there but this is what He (meaning God) really wants.... One of my pet peeves with this issue. I really have a problem with "The One." A disbelief my boyfriend, and my father, greatly....does not appreciate. And the more someone tries to convince me or the more advice they give, I am led more to believe it is one of the many things Christians make into a spiritual show they can teach about. The truth is, if everyone loved the way that Christ taught us to love and we were all friends, we could pretty much marry anyone and be happy. There are personality types and traits that attract people to one another, and that's okay, but the more theological talk you squeeze in there, the more I am apt to say, so what are you arguing about with God these days? Or what is so perfect about your life that that is all you have left to worry about?

My father used to say that as long as I married someone in love with Jesus he would be thrilled. Now I'm 24. I think maybe it was a joke. Now it has moved to "I'll be supportive." I'm wondering when it will move to "I'll love my grandchildren anyway." Ofcourse, the only reason this even matters to me is because in my mind I am still a five-year-old whose father is golden. I don't know if there will ever come a day where his opinion doesn't make my heart either rise or fall, as if it is the only voice in which I seek approval. It isn't true, but you can't help the feeling. I love my dad, love him and am so proud of him, but there are some things in life you wish you grew out of.

Like being female and not knowing what it means! It means so much one day, but most of the time it just means that you can blame everything on your period.

Submittance? Is that what females are called to? I know that is not all it is, but I wonder if God knows the depths of anti-submittance he instilled when he created me? Or is that all part of what the world created in me? If we are all for Him, does it matter. Will the women pastors be judged and the weak men be sent to hell? It seems silly almost. Because everything we know (outside of the Bible) comes from this world. It is made possible from God, and initially created by Him, but somehow we screw with what He gives us and contort it to fit a different mold. Maybe my ovaries aren't accidental, but I would sure like to know why they are there.

Besides that whole child bearing thing...

Kingdom of...earth

2006-08-31T09:16:00.000-07:00

There is so much more I want to learn and see in this life. How different did I think my life would be right now? More traveled? Definitely? Successful in career? Oh yeah. Why don't adults sit you down and tell you that life doesn't always turn out the way you plan? I guess they do, it's just that you don't think they mean your life. And when you realize how hard it all is, you look around and see people with the life you dreamed about. And you wonder, what did they do that I didn't? Did my rebellion really set me back that much? I see others more rebellious than I cruising the landscapes of Europe. And I want to scream what?!?!?! What was that turn I should have taken that I didn't? Is life really that wrapped up in money. I always thought that hard work would result in some sort of excursion to a far off place in my early twenties. It didn't. It hasn't. So...what is all this teaching me? What am I supposed to have gotten out of my life thus far? The things I am passionate about are not the things I am doing, besides writing, and so the story goes. The people that know me best do not think or say that I am contradicting myself. Yet I feel that way everyday. And so, what to do? I do not want to live an ordinary life. And no, the job I am doing would not be ordinary, would not result in ordinary, if I was passionate about it. So I am searching for that in. That x marking the spot. The niche. Me. I miss me. All my frustration stems from there. And all my desires stem from the way God made me.

Messy rooms equal messy people

2006-08-25T23:44:00.000-07:00

Whew. Tough week. I am learning a lot but I feel strangely disconnected with my old self. And with God. All these desires I had, as I had feared, are quickly being clouded with the life issues I see everyday in front of me. And I talk to Him sometimes. But it is mostly hard to understand. I pick up a Bible and feel tired. Some things I cannot understand. Like why young, beautiful and smart kids might never have a chance because they are Hispanic and living in the U.S.

I know what you are thinking, if they work hard they can make it. But we, and the federal government, make it so hard. Too much to take in, only so little of my brain seems to be able to function these days. I know the God part isn't lost, but I am searching for some answers right now. I know He will find me, and I Him.

Hopefully soon.

"Worry about nothing. Pray about everything."

My mantra.

Lord, help me live it.

My first day of school (teaching!!!)

2006-08-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

I try to not think of life in "good" and "bad" terms. I try, but mostly I don't succeed. However, I mostly come out feeling positive about the direction I am heading (atleast lately), so I do not take it too hard that this is just one of the many kinks in my psyche that I have yet to fully master. For the longest, I cried a victim's tear of never wanting to end up like my father. Now, I know I would not be completely adverse to ending up like him, although maybe without the self-inflicted pain I think he has caused to himself and those closest. That is not meant as a jab, just a realization that there are some things in this life out of our control, and there are some that even though we realize they are within our control, we make the wrong decision because we choose not to believe what God says about us in that moment of decision making.

I think the most important lesson God is teaching me right now, in this semi-critical moment of my life, is that when we are looking at ourselves in the mirror, instead of lamenting what we do not and do see (i.e. pointing out the "good" and "bad") focus on what He says about me and move on from that place, not with those obstacles or sins as my focus, but with Him as my focus. Every single time I have repented from a lifestyle choice in the past I have focused on changing those lifestyle decisions. For the first time I chose to focus on my Heavenly Father, and I am learning day by day how hard a road it is. No wonder I never traveled this way before. I was wordly strong. I could talk to a man like I did not give a crap and drink like my life was mine but I never had the strength to focus on my Father. Never had the strength to let Him lead me.

I am coming to some conclusions in my mind that make me want to cry tears of joy and sorrow all at once. The letting go of the old me is hard. I have moments. I want to dress provocatively. I want to go out. I want to pretend that there is no one but me. But then all I do is look up at my Father, and the tears of sorrow flow. For that me was sometimes happy, but never truly joyful, never truly satisfied, never truly sure of herself. And even now, with the joy that I do feel, there is darkness. But there is a light, and there is no doubt of who or what I am living for.

And I see a future with life. I met a man that I love. And in the beginning, I thought that the thing I loved about him was that he was not like my father. He was happy with me, as I was. Respected me, and showed care for me. He did not push his dissatisfaction with self onto me. And now I know that while this might be true it is not WHY I love him. I do not love him for anything he does for me. Or for anything he won't do. Although that assurance in my mind brings me tears because I never doubt that he adores me. I love him because I do. It is not just an affection or an emotion, if it were I do not think my feeble view of relationships previously would have let us survive the obstacles we have faced in this short time. The Lord has his hand on his life, and whatever role I am supposed to take in that I will. I know that not everything about our relationship is perfect or godly, but I know that we both love God, and that at the depths of our humanity we are actually more alike than our pasts would have you believe. He is a friend above all else. And has supported me beyond what I could have imagined. This is just a little thank you thought out.

As for the life that I am learning not see in black and white terms, anything is possible. Any venue that shows God glory, I hope that my trepidation remains prayed away! Every opportunity that I thought might have been the wrong decision He has made a blessing for growth. Teaching might not be my life's purpose but it is a passion that can be lived out for Christ. I saw an episode of 30 Days yesterday, which is a documentary show intended to change peoples' lives in 30 days. An atheist lived with a Christian family and the husband told her fellow atheists that he was so sorry for the persecution they had experienced from Christians. RIGHT BEFORE he told them to move if they did not appreciate "In God We Trust" written on their dollar bills. And I thought, just love people. And I have been given that chance. Whether 30 days or 2, people need to be cared for. Religions everywhere have a bad rap because people cannot always live up to their morals. Or interpret them the wrong way. But instead of being angry about it I just have to hold my head up high and say yes, I am going to do what God wants for me. Not what my Dad wants (another major flaw of mine), not what Andy wants, not even what Andrea wants (to travel Europe). What God wants, and you work with the resources you are given. So right now I have a big job. Tomorrow is almost here...

Bread pudding has a lot of ingredients...

2006-08-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

And so does my life I guess. And now I know that the hard part about growing up is not in the choices that you make, or your ingredients, but in how you make your choices.

I guess that this week has really taught me a lot about myself. A) That I still have that shy side that I long to get away from, and B) That the choices I make are seriously affecting who I am as a person. Not only did I realize that my shyness still existed, I also realized there are a plethora of little choices that get handed to you when you choose to take that plunge into adulthood. The week has not even reached Wednesday, yet I am caring about a lot more than I thought I would. I am excited about a lot more than I thought I would be. I realized that my job is not just that anymore. It is a million other things that I have to treasure, and guard, and take care to be dilligent with. I cannot express the wave of emotions that has run through me in two short days. At home everything is seemingly normal but my days are filled with tears, joy, despair, fear, excitement, smiles, furrowed brows, and the occassional frown. All at increased heights, mind you.

So, I am learning, and choosing to learn, all that I can. And how I make that choice, how I make all these little choices, is by knowing that in all of this God has something to show me. Hopefully God has something to show through me. Yes, I have passion and desire to affect change in church ministry through the authenticity that I think Christ requires of his leaders. That same authenticity I think that we freely give if we freely allow ourselves to love Christ. And something I am learning more every day is to freely love we must obey him. A concept that I held at arm's length in the past... But, this position I have accepted, in a school, with over 2,500 students, requires that same authenticity. It hungers for that same love, or I will be fruitless in my endeavors. Surprisingly no one is having to force me to care. I just do. But with each choice I must remember that, and remember the greatest reason to why I am here...Love God, love others. Something that I am neither perfect nor skilled at, but I do know I am willing to let God shape me. And help me. And let others help me. It's all a choice, and I think we need to remember the reason we have the choices in the first place, myself included.

Thanks God, for it all.

The call of who?

2006-08-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

As I try to begin my "adult" life I am plagued by thoughts that perhaps I am making the wrong decision. Or maybe not the wrong decision, but the decision that is not best for where God wants to take me. Throughout my life I have been confused by many things, namely my rebellion, my relationships, and my desires. But for once I am not confused about any of those things. I feel like my outright rebellion has been me as a captive that God has set free and is healing. My relationships are growing and striving to be godly. My desires are unwavering and are handled with prayer. But my life, my job, my CAREER, terrifies me.
In growing to be an adult I realize that I have adult responsibilities that cannot be handled with an hourly pay at a coffeeshop. I have real bills and real life awaiting me everyday. I have been blessed to have parents that helped me get through college, helped me get a car that was not a danger to my life, and now it is time for me to relinquish them of their financial help and step up as their child grown into a woman. And it is not the growing up part that scares me, it is the reality that in that I have to set aside a part of me that is growing wild and wants to be set free for a responsible, daily well paying job. I have no objections to working hard, I love it. But I would rather work hard for free at something I love and feel called to do then at something I am establishing for the sake that it is something I like and it takes care of my grown-up responsibility. I know it is not a choice, I can still do the thing that I love, but how long until I become entrenched in the job that pays? I have never felt before the call of God on my life and people that I have until this past couple months. For the first time I love my customers that I know and talk to at Starbucks. I see their shining qualities and the hard work they put into their days like never before. They are beautiful and I want to thank each and everyone that has taken a special interest in me and my aspirations to resign that workplace, there have been several who have directly affected me in that area. That being said, I know the same feeling and relationship will apply should I begin teaching. However in both arenas, one I have not even yet begun, I feel something is lacking. Like, there could be more if I was in that niche that God had planned for me. I guess my biggest fear is that that niche won't pay the bills.
Do you remain faithful in what you have been assigned and wait for an absolute?
Do you stick your head out there and pay no heed to the money, the responsibility?
Which is the godly answer? The godly pursuit?
Which is right for me?
I know God has called me, but I do not know the path He wants me to take. I know if I remain faithful and loving to Him, he will remain faithful to me, no matter what the job... career, calling, or not.... yet I remain prayerful, questioning....I do not know if the answer inside is me or Him.

Maybe I should take another look.