Colombus or Colon?

Life changes everyday and in my life I never know what is going to come next. I don’t know if I am losing my passion for writing or not. Rilke said that if you must write you are a writer, however, if it is not what you think about when you wake in the morning, if it is not an all consuming desire, then you are not, in fact, a writer. I have always agreed and taken to heart all the minute details of what he writes that it means to write. After all, his own letters to another writer have inspired me to keep writing at many times in my life. Could they inspire me to stop?

I, and do not laugh when you read this, feel that I have nothing to say. I can say that I disagree with the United States’ policy on immigration. I can say that I disagree with the unfair treatment of people by people. There are many fingers to point and so many that I disagree with. My own friends even believing some of the Republican hogwash I wish that I could rake on. But, I will not change any minds in writing. I have yet to be so inspired to pen that I inspire others. I know this, and accept it. Yet I thought that I was working my way towards…something. When I was single and in the pits of myself I could drone on about men (oh, the pain) and women (please, pity me!) and God (come on, are you listening?! Rescue me here). Now that I am happy, at peace, growing, I instead find fault with myself. Huge gaping ones that uncover me as selfish, me as having a little Democratic hogwash (although I will admit I do not believe it to be as much), me not reaching out to others, not giving, placing blame, quick to anger….I could go on. It is utterly shocking. I was the sole problem all along then??

It is quite possible I tell myself as I try to search desperately for something to write about. Some ejection of self and emotion that ends up emblazoned on my mind and memory Simply because I wrote it somewhere.

Oh, if that were the case with our sins. I certainly would like no one and no one would like me. Am I antithesizing here to God’s way? To understand that statement would be to understand me. To anyone reading ( I think there are two of you out there) pray that I constantly redirect my focus from the inward dredge and think solely of why I am here, who I was created for, and where my true purpose lies.

I think I know, I just don’t like deserting anything that I love.
Check. Selfishness.